Oct 10, 2022·edited Oct 10, 2022Liked by K.J. Ramsey
I have had to rebuild a new version of God since the death of my wife exposed the old version as insufficient for me at my worst. It has been simultaneously excruciating and exhilarating. As I try to nestle into the mystery I realize my wrestling is far from over, but it feels like it's getting me closer to the God that Jesus knows. Your transparency is a rare and beautiful gift. It resonates with me as I chose to creatively write my way through my grief journey trying to capture every wretched mood and phase. My heart aches with what you must endure, but you have found purpose in your pain. I respect, admire, and can relate to that.
“To be totally honest, I've barely attended church services in months. The reasons are many and more complex than I’m ready to describe right now.” I feel this in my soul… right down to the footnote about how your younger self would scoff or see these statements as an excuse.
One major way I’ve been learning how to care for my body and my whole self this season is by finally accepting, affirming, and integrating my sexual orientation. I’ve been gay my whole life, however due to church rules and people’s judgments I always felt like I had to detach from this part of myself and keep it stuffed down and repressed. It was not until mid last year that the long term effects of that suppression and disconnection started taking over my whole body, manifesting as depression, anxiety, numbness, and suicidal ideation. I had tried so hard to change who I was. I did six years of conversion therapy and heavy counseling, and yet I still found that this part of myself was the same.
In Feb. 2022 I tried one last time to suppress my full self by taking a job working at a very conservative evangelical mega church, and long story short that didn’t last long. It was a very spiritually and emotionally abusive environment, so after only 6 months of being there, I left.
I now find myself for the first time in a situation where I’m not serving or attending any churches or ministries. My schedule is not filled with Bible college classes or things to do. Church for me right now looks like going for a walk with a good friend, sharing a meal with a family I trust, even honoring the presence of the Holy Spirit when I’m at my new therapist’s office. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have discovered new things about God through simple snuggles with my cat.
I’m in a place where I strongly feel the Holy Spirit has been giving me agency to make good, healthy decisions for my personhood. Some of these decisions look like being very picky with who I choose to freelance for, what activities I allow on my plate each week, and honoring my body through sleep, healthy eating, and exercise. But I would say the most honoring thing I’ve done to show worth to my full personhood has been to start the process of coming out. It’s weird how something that terrified me for so long is actually the thing that is allowing me to finally come before God as a whole person and say, “I need You to love ALL of me, not just the parts that other people told me You would love.”
While I still have a lot of anger and frustration with things in American evangelicalism right now, I am finding my own little heart filled with joy and life. I’m allowing my body to experience the sensations of having a crush on someone with no shame or negativity attached to it, and it’s been such a healing thing. I’ve experienced great sadness and depression for most of my life, so feelings of happiness, joy, and giddiness almost feel like they are foreign to my body and not allowed in my life. But I’m learning how to accept these feelings and value them, and to thank God for creating me in His image - a person who is able to love and be loved fully and truly for who they are.
I’m in a weird place right now where I had a wake up call last week where two of the biggest coping mechanisms I used to use often weren’t serving me anymore (sorry not sorry, not comfortable sharing which ones right now) and I’m in this tension of trying to figure out how to honor my emotions without letting them take full control over how I react. It’s hard. It’s so hard. But I am in solidarity with that verse about living a quiet life...my life was not that way for a long time.
This is something I needed to read. I am a bit of a perfectionist and something happened yesterday where I just messed up and I feel like I can accept God’s grace but I’m oh so scared of what people will say or think even though I know I can’t control it but I have been shamed before for this particular problem. I think I need time to rest in God’s grace before I’m ready to be in intimate church gatherings. And I’m choosing to see that as brave.
This is such a gift to read this morning. I too am in a season where my margins have shrunk, my WOT tiny and my limits seemingly ever increasing. It is a practice field for turning towards myself with compassion and rooting out the remaining weeds of perfectionism and hustle culture. Your words have brought life to me so much, as I read your IG and book, and this essay is no different. Thank you for sharing your journey and reminding me that this path is sacred and I am not alone.
Thank you KJ for inviting us to join you in this beautiful conversation you have created!
I’m a staunch Protestant who’s finding incredible acceptance, blessing, and hospitality among Catholic friends and at Catholic services. My brain is not real comfortable with this shift, but I feel like my soul is starting to sing again, for the first time in a long time.
A question for KJ: have you explored the writings of Christian hermits? They might have some interesting thoughts on absence from others and absences from church (not that those two always need to go together).
I am reading this in bed with tears falling down my cheeks because this resonates so deeply. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling lately. My life has slowed so much due to Long COVID. Church doesn't feel good or safe anymore. Your words have brought a peace and hope.
KJ this post was amazing. I loved both your books and the Lord is My Courage is still being processed, but this, I can't put into words the power and the hope it has given me. Your language and raw vulnerability about your health and spiritual abuses has put into words things I couldn't. I'm taking your words into a hard season with aging parents and I cannot thank you enough. God Bless you and thank you.
"As far as it concerns me, I will let peace wave over the waters of my days." This paragraph was my favorite and I love the agency, beauty, and kindness in these words.
Yes, now that you mention it, my spirituality is shifting too. I was prompted to think about it in a conversation just today. Some things are still the same, but there is a tenderness, a patience I didn't used to know. I don't have to know the right thing right now. There is time to ponder, to feel, to be curious and wait. God doesn't rush me. He is kind and gentle. It fits with your peaceful waters illustration. 😊
I get wrecked every time I read your words…beautiful and powerful…permissioning words. I give ‘The Lord is My Courage’ to my clients & friends all the time. It hit deep, between spiritual abuse and autoimmune - your words speak life to my soul - like a warm blanket wrapping around you on a cold cold day! - this has that’s been my journey too…so thank you - I hope IVIG kick starts your immune system - I’ve did the IVIG infusions for 2 years - and it helps tremendously! …I’m praying for you!! .
I’m praying for you this am… ! This must be such a place of feeling like a captive -an outside will forced upon you … your body betraying you again…. I’m speaking Isaiah 61 over you - comfort peace freedom to those captive places - open up prison doors - solutions and keys releasing to heal…. Praying for your gatekeepers (Dr.’s) wisdom and heavens strategy to bring healing to you! You are a daughter first b4 anything so daughters of a good dad safely receive and give - so I’m permissioning your mind, body, soul, & spirit to give Receive all it needs in this season to become whole . To release anything that doesn’t belong (trapped trauma to biological effects) we are cheering you on - Charla Tx
My life seems to have been one long trial at times where I learned to wonder, "what is around the corner?" in a discouraging way. When I was just two years old, my mother was institutionalized with a mental breakdown. Of course I didn't remember, but this set the tone for what the next 20 years would look like. Her breakdowns began in earnest when I was just 11 and she was finally diagnosed, but the damage had laid roots and her and the rest of my families denial of what our lives were really like has played out over the last 40 years. And then I married a pastor where I could so identify with your story in "The Book of Courage." And then, the bottom fell wide open.....our youngest son ended his life almost 6 years ago. Your words here and in each of your books have been a balm to the deepest parts of me. God has used you mightily in your transparency in your journey. Your words today, "I pray you will dare to reclaim your rightful rule as a beloved child and heir of Divine Love to decide what rocks are allowed to ripple over the surface of the lake of your life this week," hit the mark. With God at my side constantly for over 50 years and then my husband's for the past 39, I have learned so slowly to reclaim my rightful rule...." God has affirmed me throughout this journey, but it has been such an isolating journey because so many were demanding or suggesting that I wasn't doing enough. But I was....I was following God's lead in the midst of others regardless of their expectations. This is a safe place that I've longed for....Thank you!
I have had to rebuild a new version of God since the death of my wife exposed the old version as insufficient for me at my worst. It has been simultaneously excruciating and exhilarating. As I try to nestle into the mystery I realize my wrestling is far from over, but it feels like it's getting me closer to the God that Jesus knows. Your transparency is a rare and beautiful gift. It resonates with me as I chose to creatively write my way through my grief journey trying to capture every wretched mood and phase. My heart aches with what you must endure, but you have found purpose in your pain. I respect, admire, and can relate to that.
“To be totally honest, I've barely attended church services in months. The reasons are many and more complex than I’m ready to describe right now.” I feel this in my soul… right down to the footnote about how your younger self would scoff or see these statements as an excuse.
One major way I’ve been learning how to care for my body and my whole self this season is by finally accepting, affirming, and integrating my sexual orientation. I’ve been gay my whole life, however due to church rules and people’s judgments I always felt like I had to detach from this part of myself and keep it stuffed down and repressed. It was not until mid last year that the long term effects of that suppression and disconnection started taking over my whole body, manifesting as depression, anxiety, numbness, and suicidal ideation. I had tried so hard to change who I was. I did six years of conversion therapy and heavy counseling, and yet I still found that this part of myself was the same.
In Feb. 2022 I tried one last time to suppress my full self by taking a job working at a very conservative evangelical mega church, and long story short that didn’t last long. It was a very spiritually and emotionally abusive environment, so after only 6 months of being there, I left.
I now find myself for the first time in a situation where I’m not serving or attending any churches or ministries. My schedule is not filled with Bible college classes or things to do. Church for me right now looks like going for a walk with a good friend, sharing a meal with a family I trust, even honoring the presence of the Holy Spirit when I’m at my new therapist’s office. And I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have discovered new things about God through simple snuggles with my cat.
I’m in a place where I strongly feel the Holy Spirit has been giving me agency to make good, healthy decisions for my personhood. Some of these decisions look like being very picky with who I choose to freelance for, what activities I allow on my plate each week, and honoring my body through sleep, healthy eating, and exercise. But I would say the most honoring thing I’ve done to show worth to my full personhood has been to start the process of coming out. It’s weird how something that terrified me for so long is actually the thing that is allowing me to finally come before God as a whole person and say, “I need You to love ALL of me, not just the parts that other people told me You would love.”
While I still have a lot of anger and frustration with things in American evangelicalism right now, I am finding my own little heart filled with joy and life. I’m allowing my body to experience the sensations of having a crush on someone with no shame or negativity attached to it, and it’s been such a healing thing. I’ve experienced great sadness and depression for most of my life, so feelings of happiness, joy, and giddiness almost feel like they are foreign to my body and not allowed in my life. But I’m learning how to accept these feelings and value them, and to thank God for creating me in His image - a person who is able to love and be loved fully and truly for who they are.
I’m in a weird place right now where I had a wake up call last week where two of the biggest coping mechanisms I used to use often weren’t serving me anymore (sorry not sorry, not comfortable sharing which ones right now) and I’m in this tension of trying to figure out how to honor my emotions without letting them take full control over how I react. It’s hard. It’s so hard. But I am in solidarity with that verse about living a quiet life...my life was not that way for a long time.
This is something I needed to read. I am a bit of a perfectionist and something happened yesterday where I just messed up and I feel like I can accept God’s grace but I’m oh so scared of what people will say or think even though I know I can’t control it but I have been shamed before for this particular problem. I think I need time to rest in God’s grace before I’m ready to be in intimate church gatherings. And I’m choosing to see that as brave.
This is such a gift to read this morning. I too am in a season where my margins have shrunk, my WOT tiny and my limits seemingly ever increasing. It is a practice field for turning towards myself with compassion and rooting out the remaining weeds of perfectionism and hustle culture. Your words have brought life to me so much, as I read your IG and book, and this essay is no different. Thank you for sharing your journey and reminding me that this path is sacred and I am not alone.
Thank you KJ for inviting us to join you in this beautiful conversation you have created!
I’m a staunch Protestant who’s finding incredible acceptance, blessing, and hospitality among Catholic friends and at Catholic services. My brain is not real comfortable with this shift, but I feel like my soul is starting to sing again, for the first time in a long time.
A question for KJ: have you explored the writings of Christian hermits? They might have some interesting thoughts on absence from others and absences from church (not that those two always need to go together).
I am reading this in bed with tears falling down my cheeks because this resonates so deeply. Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling lately. My life has slowed so much due to Long COVID. Church doesn't feel good or safe anymore. Your words have brought a peace and hope.
KJ this post was amazing. I loved both your books and the Lord is My Courage is still being processed, but this, I can't put into words the power and the hope it has given me. Your language and raw vulnerability about your health and spiritual abuses has put into words things I couldn't. I'm taking your words into a hard season with aging parents and I cannot thank you enough. God Bless you and thank you.
"As far as it concerns me, I will let peace wave over the waters of my days." This paragraph was my favorite and I love the agency, beauty, and kindness in these words.
Yes, now that you mention it, my spirituality is shifting too. I was prompted to think about it in a conversation just today. Some things are still the same, but there is a tenderness, a patience I didn't used to know. I don't have to know the right thing right now. There is time to ponder, to feel, to be curious and wait. God doesn't rush me. He is kind and gentle. It fits with your peaceful waters illustration. 😊
I get wrecked every time I read your words…beautiful and powerful…permissioning words. I give ‘The Lord is My Courage’ to my clients & friends all the time. It hit deep, between spiritual abuse and autoimmune - your words speak life to my soul - like a warm blanket wrapping around you on a cold cold day! - this has that’s been my journey too…so thank you - I hope IVIG kick starts your immune system - I’ve did the IVIG infusions for 2 years - and it helps tremendously! …I’m praying for you!! .
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing this. Even in your prose I hear the lilting of a poet.
Incredibly kind of you to take the time to reply. I’m grateful for how your words help shape my heart and my journey.
I’m praying for you this am… ! This must be such a place of feeling like a captive -an outside will forced upon you … your body betraying you again…. I’m speaking Isaiah 61 over you - comfort peace freedom to those captive places - open up prison doors - solutions and keys releasing to heal…. Praying for your gatekeepers (Dr.’s) wisdom and heavens strategy to bring healing to you! You are a daughter first b4 anything so daughters of a good dad safely receive and give - so I’m permissioning your mind, body, soul, & spirit to give Receive all it needs in this season to become whole . To release anything that doesn’t belong (trapped trauma to biological effects) we are cheering you on - Charla Tx
My life seems to have been one long trial at times where I learned to wonder, "what is around the corner?" in a discouraging way. When I was just two years old, my mother was institutionalized with a mental breakdown. Of course I didn't remember, but this set the tone for what the next 20 years would look like. Her breakdowns began in earnest when I was just 11 and she was finally diagnosed, but the damage had laid roots and her and the rest of my families denial of what our lives were really like has played out over the last 40 years. And then I married a pastor where I could so identify with your story in "The Book of Courage." And then, the bottom fell wide open.....our youngest son ended his life almost 6 years ago. Your words here and in each of your books have been a balm to the deepest parts of me. God has used you mightily in your transparency in your journey. Your words today, "I pray you will dare to reclaim your rightful rule as a beloved child and heir of Divine Love to decide what rocks are allowed to ripple over the surface of the lake of your life this week," hit the mark. With God at my side constantly for over 50 years and then my husband's for the past 39, I have learned so slowly to reclaim my rightful rule...." God has affirmed me throughout this journey, but it has been such an isolating journey because so many were demanding or suggesting that I wasn't doing enough. But I was....I was following God's lead in the midst of others regardless of their expectations. This is a safe place that I've longed for....Thank you!